In my meditation today, two questions came into my awareness:
Where is the sun setting in your life?
Where is the sun rising in your life?
Before these questions emerged, I had been swimming in a long rectangle-shaped pool. It was just me, and the colors were different shades of purple and pink. At one point, I stopped doing laps and looked up to the sky. In this moment of relaxation, it became dark. In the darkness, I realized I was in a tomb, and the top of it had been shut. I felt my body being pulled down into the underworld, only to emerge before the golden light of a Goddess of the Dead. When I stopped flailing, I felt the energies of acceptance, joy, and even flow move through my body. I gathered myself and bowed my head.
It was then that the first question arrived: Where is the sun setting in your life?
I suppose every sunset is the death of the day and the beginning of the night. As I recounted the different chapters for me that had ended — even the books that had come to a close — instead of feeling grief or guilt, both emotions I am well-acquainted with, I felt liberation. When I surrender to the beauty of letting go, I can enjoy the artwork of Spirit.
I then saw that it wasn’t the actual relationships or collaborations that the sun was setting on — it was more an identity of mine that was ready to be put to rest. And not in a kill-your-ego kind of way, but in a do less, we already lived this kind of way.
This visual came up: I was playing dodgeball in my energy field, except I wasn’t the one throwing the balls, and I wasn’t the one dodging them either — I was the goalie. Guarding my energy field, catching the impact of thoughts directed at me, or judgments I held about others’ choices. In the game, I would take it personally that there are circumstances out of my control, while also remembering that we all have agency to make whatever decisions we want. And who am I to judge?
It was a lot, and it was keeping me from being present. At some point, my devotion had become vigilance. The boundaries were too high. It was like having an overactive security system in your home — where if you walked just a little heavier than usual, the alarm would sound. An excellent security system, but wow, it’s too much.
I saw how hard this part of me was working to protect me, to manage me, to keep me safe from the energies around me. I watched this version of myself with love, thinking, girl, you have been doing too much. As I laughed, I noticed how much I loved the part of me that takes things too personally, the part who cares so very much — and I can feel that love and gratitude without having to continue the same pattern.
I saw the huge distraction of it all, and how draining it was — doing another’s work for them, and taking myself off the path of doing my own. Noticing how my body would shrink in the presence of others, like I couldn’t be myself around them — and noticing how silly it was to even think I had to prove I was myself at all.
When it came down to it, it was noticing the unconscious performance of it all. The performance of doing a really good job of managing my energy — something that was once a great thing — had gotten a little too meticulous. Sometimes we really need to let things flow and leave on their own. Emotions are just weather. We don’t have to board up the windows every time it rains.
I didn’t even realize it at the time, but in working too hard, I was trying to keep up patterns I once began to help me feel, notice, and trust my truth. This gave me immense skill in reading energy — but now I’m connected to other parts of myself that can do the same thing with much less drama, and a better use of my psychic effort.
As the sun sets on an identity attached to effort and the Illusion of Perfection, I feel my bandwidth grow for what rises in my life.
What is rising in my life?
Well, I’m not entirely sure—I let go of the identity that tried to manage uncertainty and figure everything out a while back. What I do know is that this sunrise feels like deeper trust, and the ease of paying attention to where my energy wants to go—and noticing when it’s working far too hard.
What’s rising and setting in your life? Leave a comment and let me know.
With Love and Wisdom,
Lauren
P.S. If you’d like to continue this conversation, join me for Temple Steps on Wednesday, August 12 at 6 PM CST / 5 PM MDT / 4 PM PST / 7 PM EST — the day of a solar eclipse in Leo. We’ll explore what’s rising, what’s setting, connect with the animal kingdom, and share some card pulls too.
