Let’s talk about boundaries, the often arbitrary lines that let us know what is ok and what is not ok, and the role of boundaries in abundance.
If you are anything like me, you did not grow up with healthy boundaries modeled to you. You may have had experiences where your boundaries were violated. Your first experiences in setting boundaries may have been because you experienced the pain of what it was not to have them.
You may not know this about me, but over the last decade, boundaries have been a personal life project of mine. Recently, I have seen that many well-meaning and hurt people weaponize their boundaries, whereby their boundaries are actually a form of defensiveness.
While I certainly understand this and have done this myself, my eyes are wide open to how many of us block ourselves from higher levels of love and abundance through being defensive, all in the guise of “setting boundaries” and standing up for ourselves.
If we have known each other over the years, then you know that I am a fan of “standing up for yourself.” As someone who has referred to herself as a “recovering doormat” and who has attracted many situations that felt unjust and simply wrong—I am not suggesting that you allow other people to treat you badly. Not at all!
Instead, I am asking you to check in with your own motivation and the energy behind your boundaries. Are you setting boundaries to create higher levels of love and connection or to “protect yourself” from people who hurt you? Ask yourself, “In standing up for myself, what am I standing for? Am I protecting an old identity or being self-righteous? Is there any part of my reaction that would be defensive?”
While you tune into those questions, I will share a story with you. Someone I once coached several months back got very upset with me and fired me. Why? Well, I “violated her boundaries” and she “needed space.” What did I do? I gave her honest, intuitive, LOVING feedback that her choices lacked integrity and were not aligned with what she wanted to experience and create.
You and I both know that I did not share this opinion with her to hurt her, but her Junior (my word for ego) saw the situation very differently and decided to set some really strong boundaries by ending our coaching relationship. I believe that if she would have let herself explore the strong feelings that came up and if she chose to see me as being on her side, rather than as a big monster who she needed to get away from, then she could have opened herself up to new levels of authenticity, love, trust, and abundance.
All of this brings me to the point of this message…There are times when boundaries are rooted in defensiveness. My request to you is to acknowledge areas in your life where you are being rigid and blocking yourself from new levels of love and abundance.
I realize it’s a big ask. This particular conversation about boundaries requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to look within. I promise you that identifying these patterns will continue to liberate you and allow you to enter the oasis of abundance.
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