Betrayal is a bitch. It’s the poison that ruins relationships, the catalyst of a self-esteem plummet. Once we are betrayed…well shit, life just never looks the same again.
The rose color glasses have been stomped on. Paradise? Lost.
Some of us, the softies, cry. We keep our heads down and distract ourselves as we pray, beg, and even plead with God that we will never, ever be betrayed again.
Then, there are the badasses, those of us naturally dominate folks, who become hardened, jaded, and skeptical. As badasses, we will remove anyone who we perceive as a threat. For this group, any Judas/Brutus is identified immediately and self-protective actions are promptly taken.
Regardless of whichever camp (team softie, camp badass, or flip-flopper) that you are in, you vow to yourself…never again…never will I ever allow this happen!
You plot revenge. You cry. You fantasize about being vindicated as you lie in your rose-thorned-adorned bed.
This is heartbreak.
It’s impossible for betrayal not to result in some type of heartbreak. When we are heartbroken, our defenses are up. When our defenses are up, our fear is ignited.
Fear is the opposite of love.
If part of you craves being in a loving intimate relationship, a physical expression of love, fear is pretty inconvenient.
When our fear is ignited, we go into self-protection mode. Self-protection can look like myriad of ways. For some of us, self-protection looks like we are trying to outrun something. We distract ourselves with big projects at work. We numb out with partying. Some of us might create petty drama.
Those of us, fed up with those aspects of self-protection mode, claim that we are done with relationships and dating and that we want to focus on ourselves, first and foremost.
The choice to love yourself is always a wise choice, right?
Yes and no.
Yes in that self-love is a huge component in creating a healthy and fulfilling relationship. No, because highly conscious people like us can use this as an excuse to keep us from having what the relationship that we desire.
Having mixed intentions will never give us what we want, but it does a great job at keeping things as they are.
An intention is a word for whatever motivation (conscious, subconscious, maybe even unconscious) is behind the actions that we take. Let’s talk about intentions in the context of dating.
Dating is simply a mechanism to craft a relationship.
What if we are afraid to date? What if the people we attract to go on dates with are total duds or psychos?
What if we are really busy and dating just doesn’t excite us or feel worth it anymore?
What if we are super traumatized by past experiences that our fear has helped us substantially to live fully functional lives and dating is a huge unknown?!?
This is where intention comes in.
Intention plays into what we desire, what we fear, and how we see the world. Intention is based on what we believe is true, what we feel we deserve, and what we think we can get.
What do I believe is universally true?
What do I feel I deserve?
What do I think I can get?
Everything we attract is a result of our intention. If our intentions are love-based, we are going to make love-based decisions. If they our intentions are fear-based, then we are going to make fear-based choices.
Fear is not the enemy here. We experience fear to guard our hearts and keep us safe from treachery and betrayal. Fear mucks things up when it muddies our intentions and causes us to make fear-based choices that result in us never experiencing what we desire.
You are the catalyst of change.
If you do not like your current circumstances or if you are ready to experience your deepest desires, change is in your hands.
So let’s acknowledge our fears. Let’s honor the circumstances that gave us this wisdom.
Then, let’s change our intention.
Lauren you speak such wisdom! Self-love can feel hard after a breakup. How do I stay conscious as I navigate the rejection and pain parts of a breakup?
Hi Angela! Thank you for your question. Self-love can be very hard after a breakup. What is really cool is your question reflects your own inner wisdom, and the answer to your question resides within the question itself! 🙂 In other words, being conscious is how you navigate those painful feelings. When you find yourself feeling rejected or hurt, you are aware/conscious of how you feel and you can choose to be loving with yourself. This can be reflected in how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself. Hope this helps! 🙂 And perhaps I will write another article that goes deeper within this subject. Thanks again! <3 With Gratitude, Lauren
Thank you for writing this insightful piece, Lauren. I certainly needed a reminder that I am a catalyst of change / to free myself from fear. I look forward to the next piece on life-after-breakup.
Thank you, Erin! I love that this supports you in reclaiming your personal freedom! <3